I'm sure by now you've noticed my Hysterectomy Countdown on the sidebar. If not, you need to be more observant. I mean, seriously, it's big enough people. Some of you have asked me what that is all about, so I figured I'd dedicate a post to my uterus.
I have endometriosis, which basically means that my uterine lining isn’t content with growing inside my uterus; it feels the need to expand into foreign territories, much like the British back in the day when they invaded pretty much every other country they could get their greedy little hands on. And like the British, these lining cells do not enter foreign lands peacefully, mingling with the locals and learning the laws of their new country. No, they storm in with swords drawn, hacking and stabbing as they spread out over new horizons, wrecking havoc on the native cells as they declare them now part of the Great Uterine Empire.
The Great Uterine Empire, or GUE, requires all of it’s subjects to act in the same manor at certain times of the month. When the motherland cramps, all of the Empire cramps. Which means that when it is period time (or as it is called in the GUE, the “Week of Woe”) I do not just get menstrual cramps in my uterus; I get them every place that the GUE has conquered including my ovaries, bladder, and intestines. Imagine how much fun that is. And during every Week of Woe, more lining cells set sail from the motherland in search of distant lands to claim.
Before you start thinking, “But its only one week a month; suck it up, buttercup”, I need to tell you the rest of the story.
Uterine lining cells that have left the motherland often feel homesick, so as they build up they connect with each other, forming bridges from one new land to another. This also helps the GUE control the barbarian populace, but not allowing them to drift apart or move around as they normally would, even when the world around them moves. This causes terrible pulling and grating sensations that can only be likened to someone trying to rip your arm off. But instead of your arm, its your reproductive system. Guess how much I bend, stretch, lift, and turn every day while I chase the girls? Yeah. Don’t give me that once-a-month bullshit.
All of this often causes infertility, as I’m sure you can imagine. That’s why it took two surgeries, six months of hormone suppression therapy, and three rounds of in vitero fertilization to get pregnant with the girls. And I was one of the lucky ones. A lot of women with severe endo never get to have kids, because it has just done that much damage inside of them.
So, now that my reproductive system has done it’s job, and the girls are old enough to be shipped off to my mother’s house for a few days, the time has come to overthrow the GUE. I have suffered for long enough. On Wednesday, my doctor will destroy the Great Uterine Empire. She will take out not just the motherland, but she will attempt to free the other colonized nations, ridding them of their sticky oppressors. Ovaries, tubes, uterus, cervix, and any lining cells that are attached to things they do not belong on will be removed.
By the way, if you or anyone you love is facing a hysterectomy, check out HysterSisters for some great resources.