Being the mother of twins, people say stupid things to me all the time when we are out and about. Here are a select few and the responses I wish I could give. (and sometimes do, depending on my mood.)
“Are they natural?” This is one of my favorites, and also one of the most inappropriate. What the person wants to know is whether or not the girls were conceived through fertility treatments or the good old fashioned way. How is that anyone’s business? My favorite responses include “No, they are carbon copies of real children.” “Nope, they are artificially colored.” “Well…they aren’t clones..” and the truth “Well I’m an infertile lesbian, so what do you think?”
“Oh, a boy and a girl?” Which did you think was the boy? The one in pink or the one in purple?
“Double Trouble!” Oh, the cleverness of you.
“Twice as Nice!” At least you are a kind poet.
“When are you due?” Ten months ago. I had twins. Thanks for pointing out that I still look pregnant. Let’s stretch your stomach muscles a foot apart and see how fast they snap back. Jackwagon.
“I could never do it.” Well, then it’s good that you don’t have to. I’d hate to see you have twins then put them on the curb with “Free to Good Home” signs around their necks.
“You know, my brother’s wife’s neighbor’s aunt’s cousin has twins!” Wow, really? Thank you, Random Person, for that info. I’ll sleep better tonight, knowing that there are other twins in the world.
“Can’t you control your children?” This was actually said to me at Target one day, by a pregnant woman. Laurel was screaming bloody murder because I wouldn’t let her pull all of the Twizzlers off of the shelf as we waited in the checkout line. I smiled at her, thinking, “Just wait. Your time is coming.”
“They aren’t twins!” Because my girls look nothing alike, people constantly tell me that they aren’t twins. “You’re right. I forgot how many children I had in my uterus at one time. Silly me.”
“Which one is your favorite?” Seriously? Whoever isn’t crying.
“When are you going to try for a boy?” Um..never. No, really, their “father” isn’t pining for a boy. SHE is fine with girls.
“My kids are 14 months apart, so I know EXACTLY what you’re going through.” Really? I was unaware that having a newborn when you already have a child that can walk, talk, feed itself, and sleep through the night is just like having two newborns.
“Are they paternal?” Nope, they are little bastards who’s “father” was a frozen sperm pop. Oh, you meant FRATERNAL. Yes, yes they are.